Friday, January 28

Back To The Future, In The Present

I’m not one for movie games but when I noticed Back To The Future: The Game (BTTF) had been released, I was so excited I was tempted to go out and buy a red puffer vest. Then I realised that was a stupid idea – puffer vests are not cool. And where was I going to get one in Brisbane? It’s the middle of summer. I haven’t been thinking straight lately.

Created by Telltale Games, BTTF is an episode based graphic adventure game taking place six months after the finale of the trilogy.

Marty is trying to move on and accept Doc Brown’s decision to live in the Wild West with his new wife and kids (even the one who stares down the camera, points to his junk and nods confidently). With no sign of Doc, the bank is moving in on his estate, selling off his belongings to create a new parking garage.

While rummaging through Doc’s lab, a new DeLorean appears outside, prompting Marty to rescue Doc from jail during the 1930’s American prohibition era. Suspected of burning down bootlegger Kid Tannen’s speakeasy, Doc learns he will be shot the next day unless the situation is resolved.

By freeing Doc, Marty manages to subpoena his grandfather, Tannen’s accountant, only to find himself yet again fading away from existence. From here the story is set up for the next episode, which is to be released in February. A new episode is released every month until the climax in May.

If the visual style and game play seems familiar, it’s most likely due to the fact the developer is Telltale Games; a group of former LucasArts designers who were responsible for such titles as Sam & Max, Monkey Island and Maniac Mansion: Day of the Tentacle.

Telltale are also responsible for the newly released episodes of Sam & Max, Monkey Island and the upcoming Jurassic Park game.

From what I’ve seen and played of the game so far, I’m unsure of how challenging it will be. Graphically it isn’t anything special but it seems to have a deliberately goofy feel to it, which reminds me of Marty and Doc in the movies.

Christopher Lloyd does a great job (again) as Doc Brown, while Biff Tannen and George McFly were quite annoying. If you recall in the movie, Biff goes from bully to submissive household gimp and in the game, George doesn’t let him forget it. At times he’s like a whiney old lady, watching and commenting about every move Biff makes. Biff just takes it, reminding me of a dog – he potters from one position to another and seems to enjoy whatever attention he can get.

Unfortunately Michael J Fox doesn’t reprise the role of Marty McFly; however his actor does a good job. His voice seems a bit scratchy at times but it has all the nervous enthusiasm you know and love from the films.

Although I’m unsure if I’ll pick up the rest of the episodes, I can say I’ve enjoyed the game more than the recent Sam & Max episodes on Xbox Live - I suffered a case of lost interest and didn’t even finish the demo. The appeal of BTTF may be a result of the games’ story telling style – it’s a continuation of the film with a fresh and relevant storyline, as opposed to a side story, retelling of the film or prequel which is often found in mainstream and boring movie games.

Episode One of Back To The Future: The Game is available now on PC, Mac, PS3 and iPad.

What do you think of this emerging style of episode-based gaming? Would you prefer five or six episodes spread out over time or just hit the game running with all your enthusiasm and finish it as soon as you can?

Tuesday, January 25

The Best Reward For Stealing Bread

The world’s perception of Australia is narrow to say the least. When travelling abroad, you will encounter a number of things: poor (yet humorous) attempts at Australian slang and accents, questions about kangaroos jumping through major city streets and sincere empathy for the loss of Steve Irwin.

However, Australians are more than just ‘shrimp on the barbie’ catch phrases and drop bear propaganda; we are pioneers, innovators and able to constantly prove to the world we can hold our own in a number of industries.

For example, Australians invented the bionic ear, the dual flush toilet, the first commercially practical ultrasound scanner and solar hot water. Oh, and let’s not forget the rotary clothes line (Hills Hoist) and wine cask; two inventions that have brought bogans together since 1965.

Australia is also the first country in the world to open a dedicated console video game cocktail bar. Located in Brisbane’s Fortitude Valley, Mana Bar provides a new way to socialise within a club environment, engaging both discerning and casual gamers alike.

The concept has been so successful that Mana Bar is looking to expand into Sydney, Melbourne and internationally.

To be honest, combining drinks and video games is a no brainer and I’m surprised it wasn’t done (and done well) years ago. It’s no secret that Australian’s love a good drink – with a former Prime Minister holding a record for downing a yard glass of ale in under 11 seconds, it’s essentially an official past time. C’mon Australia. What else have you got?

How about a vast history in gaming? Despite little recognition on the world stage, Australia has deep roots in the industry both domestically and internationally. With a presence in the industry since the arcade moved to the home in the 1980’s, Australians have produced a number of award winning games.

In 2005, Brisbane was declared a breeding ground for entertainment talent when The Veronica’s took over the airwaves, Powderfinger’s Bernard Fanning was (for some reason) praised on his debut solo album and Pandemic Studio’s released Destroy All Humans!.

Despite Pandemic being shut down in 2009 after being bought by Electronic Arts, the company is still considered a successful Australian game developer with series such as Star Wars: Battlefront and Mercenaries under their belt.

Another temporarily successful (read: now defunct) Australian games developer was Krome Studios, who were responsible for the stereotype spouting Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, a Spyro the Dragon resurrection and Star Wars: The Force Unleashed.

Closures aside, we’ve been, and still are, host to some of the world’s largest gaming companies including THQ, Sony, Sega and Microsoft.

But it’s not all bad news when it comes to Aussie game developers. Although it pains me to see home grown heroes falling to their knees, developers such as Halfbrick Studios are reviving hopes, with a number of mobile game titles such as Fruit Ninja taking the world by storm.

While it may not be 2005 anymore, Australia is still unveiling and refining some outstanding talent, ready to take on the world and present the next Hills Hoist of games in a new era of entertainment.

Will it be enough to kick start the Aussie game development industry? Who knows, but rest assured we’ll soon bounce back; proving to the world that we are more than just khaki’s and bush tucker.

Have a great Australia Day everyone!

Monday, January 24

Play It Again Sam

You may care to disagree with me, however I believe Replayability or Replay Value is a dated concept. It may have meant something to me when I was much younger, and opportunities to acquire games appeared solely at the whim of my parents. It may have had something to do with games often being more solo-oriented experiences, where online multiplayer, patches, title updates, downloadable content and achievements (trophies, or what have you) were futuristic concepts. I would also wager that the huge amount of sequels and franchises with annual instalments have contributed to the notion of disposable gaming experiences, where the idea of playing a game again sounds like a waste of time.

To further qualify my argument, the concept of replayability can't properly extend to modern multiplayer- centric titles, as these games (particularly in the PC scene) are often modified to the point where they can be drastically different when revisited months (or years) on. Not sure what I mean? Consider Valve's infinitely playable, Team Fortress 2. I first engaged with the game as part of The Orange Box on the Xbox 360. I earned every single achievement, and played it for hours after accomplishing that feat. After my first encounter with the Red Ring of Death, I purchased the game for my somewhat-capable laptop via Steam (Valve's digital distribution service, for those unaware) a year later. There were several (as in many) new maps, new matchtypes, a new item system had been implemented, and there were even class-specific achievements rendering my past glories on Microsoft's console redundant. Even more confounding was how I was unable to adjust to this new monster. Players were equipped with weapons that had frightening new capabilities, leading to strategies that I had not encountered on the game's console counterpart. I was in way over my head.



After purchasing a new computer recently, I resolved to play TF2 once again, and once again I was confronted with a bevvy of new maps, modes, matchtypes, achievements and now, an item crafting system. I wasn't replaying anything, I was enjoying new experiences. One match stands out more than the rest. I had joined a game on the map, DeGroot Keep where most players had been restricted to engaging in melee combat only, while a small group of selected combatants had access to a bow and arrow. The attacking team had to capture two points on the map before storming the castle. It was madness, it was so unbelievably distant from any game of Team Fortress 2 that I had previously played, and more importantly, it was still fun.



Conversely, I've finished games like Uncharted 2, Batman: Arkham Asylum, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots and Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, which were incredibly polished, and enjoyable games that I would hardly classify as replayable. I contend that this has much to do with the high amount of cinematic, scripted content in these titles which largely remains static when played through a second (third, fourth and so on) time. You can always play through these games more fluidly, memorising attack patterns and completing sequences faster (picking up a few more trophies/achievements while you're at it), but ultimately you know what is about to happen; there'll be no clinch rocket from the opposing team to cinch an unlikely win. Lazaravic, Joker, Ocelot and Cesare will all fall in the end: there's no lasting victory in store for them (unless of course you don't finish these games, then their crimes will continue to go unabated).

Some might contend that there are some recent releases that allow for players to make choices that have significant impact on the narrative at large, and that if you were to play a game like Fallout 3 twice that you would hear multiple trees of dialogue, and have several events play out in entirely different ways (if at all). But on the other hand, there are a lot (several hours worth) of common actions and experiences that would discourage me from engaging with these titles more than once. Especially when you have hours upon hours worth of downloadable content to play through after the principal narrative has reached its conclusion. Who has the time to best Fallout 3 with a good, neutral and evil character? I certainly don't, and even if I did, I'd probably rather play a few matches of Bad Company 2, Team Fortress 2 or Halo: Reach in that time instead.

There a few single player-focussed games released in this hardware generation that I have had to experience more than once. I finished Bioshock, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion and Uncharted: Drake's Fortune two times each. I'm up to my fourth playthrough of Grand Theft Auto IV, and I must have finished the original Dead Rising three or four times (although with Dead Rising, that is sort of the point).

Maybe I've got it wrong somewhat. Maybe the highly scripted nature of recent single player releases has diminished the notion of replayability? Maybe the amount of time I'm able to spend playing games has diminished to point where if I'm not playing something new, I feel like I'm wasting my time?

Do you believe that replayability (or replay value) is a redundant concept? Should we perhaps explore this in a little more detail? What did you play this weekend?

Friday, January 21

The Bacardi Experiment

It’s happened to all of us at one stage or another. You get together with a friend for dinner, have a couple of drinks, which leads to more drinks and then next thing you know it’s morning, you’ve woken up on a disassembled couch and your friend’s wife is looking at you funny.

Maybe not exactly like that but you get my drift.

What did I do last night? What’s that taste in my mouth? Why have I been cold for the last few hours when there is a perfectly good blanket beside me? These were all questions flowing through my mind the morning after The Bacardi Experiment.

You see, I decided to have a couple of drinks and see where the night would take me, all the while attempting to document my actions for my own amusement, or possible demise.

7pm Dinner has arrived and we’re both fairly civilized. I make an astounding discovery - pizza tastes better with more pizza and Bacardi and Coke. As the pizza fills my stomach, I hunger for something else – cartoons and games.

8pm Three drinks in and I’m feeling loose. We start up Guitar Hero and I’m happy with my dexterity and performance. So happy in fact that I attempted to play and sing Foo Fighter’s Everlong (sorry). I move from guitar to drums seamlessly and don’t appear to have any problems with keeping rhythm.

9pm I’m somewhere around six drinks now. There’s a slight mess in the kitchen from a Coke over-pour but no one has noticed (especially since it was ‘cleaned up’ with a pizza box). Guitar Hero is put aside for TV and more cartoons which just fuels the drinking.

10:30pm There’s about a quarter of the bottle left and I’m a little more than tipsy. Guitar Hero is back on and suddenly everyone else in the band is playing out of time. I should mention I’m the only one with a controller. I move from drums to guitar and the band seems happier with that decision... until I can’t feel my little finger and ensure the entire neighbourhood knows about it. Guitar Hero is put away and out comes the Wii for a spot of Wii Sports tennis. Unfortunately it requires a little too much movement for my inebriated state and I need to sit down.

11:30pm Let’s just say the night blew my mind.

The next morning I get the low down on what happened and it turns out I didn’t embarrass myself... too much. Unfortunately the hangover is severe and I’m not looking forward to my two-hour flight back to Brisbane.

Thinking back on the events of my ‘experiment’ (read: excuse to drink with interstate and seldom seen friends), I’m pretty happy with the fact I didn’t have any mishaps with the Wiimote. I’ve heard of and read countless stories of broken LCD TV’s and windows thanks to a snapped wrist strap or worst of all, a black eye on an unsuspecting bystander.

Wiihaveaproblem has a number of stories, videos and photo’s from back in 2007 when the Wii was released and was wreaking havoc on the innocent family TV. The site recently started to publish again, mainly due to the release of Kinectionlost, a sister site dedicated to the living room violence created by the Xbox Kinect.

With the Kinect not requiring a controller, it would seem the humble LCD TV is now safe(r), however family members should steer clear. A number of accidents are popping up, including a broken foot for an unfortunate lady from Colorado.

Have you witnessed or suffered a Wiimote to the TV/face? What about a unique or outstanding game related injury?

Wednesday, January 19

Sounds Like a Memory

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood was an exhausting endeavour; and now I find myself unsure of which game I should play next. Pretty much anything sitting in my collection that has gone unconsumed is a third-person action game of some description: Vanquish, Enslaved: Odyssey to the West, Tomb Raider: Underworld, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, Epic Mickey, Crackdown 2, and Majin and the Forsaken Kingdom. Rather than move onto these titles straight away, I'd like to reminisce a little bit; let's talk about the marriage of music and games. Not in a conventional sense though, I'm not referring to the increasing quality of original videogame soundtracks, or even licensed ones for that matter: sometimes the best soundtrack is the one you create yourself.

This goes back to the days of the Sega Mega Drive, when my older brother and I completed the classic Role Playing Game, Shining Force to the soundtrack of Madonna: The Immaculate Collection. That's right dear readers, each time I banished a skeleton warrior to the netherworld, old Madge would pipe in with the likes of "Holiday," and "Like a Virgin." There was something about the her chirpy, flirtatious sound that made saving the world all the more satisfying. This particular habit became all the more bizarre when I played Star Wars: Tie Fighter to the sound of Michael Jackson's twin album opus, History. While I was a huge Star Wars fan, and a lover of Williams' classic score, "Earth Song," and "Stranger in Moscow," accentuated the drama in LucasArts' classic flight sim.

Note: Play both clips together so you get the improvised soundtrack and the classic videogame action. You'll need to mute the game footage (even though in the case of Shining Force, you may not want to).





There were times when the music seemed to fit the action on-screen, such as when a friend and I played multiple sessions of Grand Theft Auto III to the dulcet tones of System of a Down. Try hitting one of the many stunt jumps with "Spiders," playing in the background. I get goose-bumps even thinking about it. If that doesn't suit your taste, you could always try a flamethrower rampage with "Sugar," blowing out your speakers. System of a Down was also on constant rotation when I played Mercenaries mode in Resident Evil 4. Sometimes it looked as though the chainsaw-wielding gonados were dancing to "Old-School Hollywood."

Recently (not too recently, mind you), I have found some winning combinations. I thoroughly enjoyed playing Gears of War with a soundtrack of Bruce Springstein, Prince and Mastodon. "Sleeping Giant," fits the crumbling vistas and wreckage found in the fiendishly-designed multiplayer maps so brilliantly, and I always loved to have "1999," to compliment a victory. In 2009, I spent many hours playing Battlefield: Bad Company to the sounds of Jay Dee (aka J Dilla); specifically the album titled, Donuts. I loved every moment of it, with the mash-ups of soul tunes adding to the impact of every structure-shattering explosion. I'd thoroughly recommend the combination, as it is one of the most memorable.





What about you guys? Has there been a time where a game's aural component has failed to measure up to your record collection? If you find the time, boot up Bad Company and J Dilla - "Stop." You will not regret it.

Also, what game should I play next? Do any of the above tickle your fancy, or should I just bite the bullet and play my first MMO, DC Universe Online?

Monday, January 17

In case you haven't played it: Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood Review (X360)

Assassin's Creed is easily one of the stronger, original intellectual properties to be spawned during this hardware generation. While I dearly loved the original, the sequel improved upon it in every way possible with better mission design, more weapons as well as more likeable and better-developed characters. Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood continues the adventure of series' protagonist, Desmond's descendant: Ezio Auditore de Firenze after his meeting with Minerva at the conclusion of Assassin's Creed II. What follows is an exciting, albeit frustrating return to Renaissance Italy that answers several questions, to then bludgeon you with another.



The Good
Tool shed - Brotherhood gifts players with a new set of weapons and techniques to combat enemies. My favourite by far, was the ability to fight enemies with a sword (or mace) and your hidden pistol equipped. If you're not having any luck with your swordplay, you can always end the fight faster with a bang. The dynamics of combat have changed significantly in Brotherhood as you no longer need to wait for your opponent to attack in order to deal significant damage with counter hits. Another addition comes in the form of Execution Streaks which, after taking your first victim, allow you to make any subsequent kills with a single blow; provided that you don't take any damage after your murderous chain begins. The ability to kick and shoot your opponents mid-combo, and dispatch them in great numbers with single strikes, results in a much faster and more offensive style of play. The new additions to the combat formula were initially welcome, but then I soon began to realise that the rhythmic swordplay that I had enjoyed so much from the previous instalments was now a thing of the past.


Micromanagement – The city of Roma presents many chances for players to dabble in activities other than murder most foul. If you are weary from clashing swords you can recruit assassins and task them with completing missions across the world for money and in some cases, treasure. For those that you haven’t sent to fight on foreign soil, they can be summoned to kill enemy guards silently, or in the midst of battle to aid you in your most desperate hour. Calling upon your Brotherhood in any fashion allows for each recruit to gain experience as well as access to more weapons and stronger armour. There is also an in-game economy that you can expand by restoring businesses and landmarks throughout Roma. It isn’t overly deep, but investing a little bit of time in this feature means more weapons, access to fast travel options, and less time spent backtracking (at least on foot).

That's amore - Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood is an exceptionally beautiful game, with an environment that exceeds the size and scale of most recently-released, open world action games. From all accounts the PS3 version is a little more stable, and I can report that were multiple (however minor) instances of screen-tearing and pop-in in the 360 version. Roma is an intricately detailed, and well-designed play space that is easily as large, if not larger than the total area found in its predecessor.

Web of lies - The conspiracies that form the core of Brotherhood's narrative are thoroughly compelling. It's hard to go into this in any great detail without spoiling anything, but rest assured your contemporaries will keep you guessing in Ezio's quest to reclaim the Apple of Eden.



To be continued (Part 1) - Thankfully, the end of Brotherhood effectively ends the adventures of Ezio Auditore de Firenze. Not that I didn't like Ezio, rather the end of Assassin's Creed II was so ham-fistedly punctuated (in both the past and future scenarios) to lead into this current instalment, that the ultimate ending of Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood seemed elegant by comparison.


The Bad
Master of none - The developers tried to throw in a bit of everything into Brotherhood. There are vehicle sequences, a few (as in, not many) epic sword fights, platforming, team management, stealth (ugh), and exploration. The problem is that many of the new elements that have been introduced for this instalment feel rough, and were to the detriment of the experience as a whole. Commanding the Brotherhood certainly looks cool and comes in handy on occasion, but it also obliterates any sense of challenge. To make matters worse, every single enemy seems to carry the most useful loot. While you could pilfer through your opponent's belongings in Assassin's Creed II, more often than not you would walk away with a few florins and a throwing knife. In Brotherhood you'll find money, meds and ammo on even the most modest opponent. The vehicle sequences are completely disposable, and while not overly difficult, they still managed to frustrate in the case of the naval battle due to a massive turning circle and a stubborn cannon.

Out of sync - I touched on this previously in the post "Stealth and its Opposite," but the addition of the new Full Sync challenges is a bit of a mixed bag. When they test skill they're a welcome addition, however when they involve the more unrefined aspects of the game things become much more painful.


To be continued (Part 2) - As for Desmond's saga, the end of Brotherhood is so painfully clumsy from a gameplay and storytelling perspective. The final, timed platforming sequence while visually stunning, is almost completely bereft of fun; and the final moments should have been accompanied by a flashing warning "FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT IN ASSASSIN'S CREED III."  Is it too much to ask for a self-contained plot? I yearn for a videogame narrative that offers a clear resolution, in stead of a carrot for the next, inevitable instalment.


The Ugly
Hello? Is anyone there? - Any attempts I've made to play online have been met with abject failure. In some cases, I couldn't even find a single player to join the lobbies I had created. I've read many positive musings about Brotherhood's competitive multiplayer component, but I can't really impart any meaningful impressions, as the only experience I've had is with the PS3 beta. The beta gave access to one map, and I only played the standard free-for-all match type which tasks each player to take out another specific player. You have a radar which guides you to your target, and in the trial (at least) it was a little too helpful. While I understand, you're supposed to take it slow, blend in, and approach with care; most just bolt for you, and I found myself doing the same after a few frustrating encounters.

After him! -  I would wager over one third of the missions in Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood involve tailing a target or informant. These missions are usually punctuated by three fights or cut-scenes (sometimes even a combination of the two), and are indicative of my experience with Brotherhood as a whole. Beautiful, repetitive and frustrating.

Castles on sand - The most frustrating sequence in Assassin's Creed II involved infiltrating the Vatican on approach to the final boss battle. While the stealth mechanics worked well enough in the public arena, where there were people en masse to blend with; the Vatican presented Ezio with some priests with whom you could not blend and a lot of guards. After several repeated attempts to move through this sequence, finally everything fell into place, and I could proceed. The developers took this broken segment, and then decided to build an entire game around it. There are several missions that involve or revolve around stealth. There have been no abilities added, like crawling, or being able to attach to walls (like in Metal Gear Solid) to accommodate this change in focus. Now you would think that perhaps the level designers could consult their Ubisoft colleagues who were involved with the Splinter Cell series, or even Kojima Productions (there is an unlockable Raiden skin) for help with developing solid stealth gameplay. Unfortunately, this is not the case as players can either blend, hide in haystacks or drop from sight; nothing more. The placement of haystacks in some missions is ridiculous, particularly in a mission staged during a wild party. I know everytime that I plan a gathering I go over my checklist: Beer? Check. Food? Check. The Ladies (pronounced leh-days)? Check. Enough hay to feed the equine population of Italy? Checkmate.    

That was not a request - There are several missions that require players to do things in a certain way or sequence, but the mission design fails to clue you into how events should transpire. In one particularly frustrating mission, players are tasked with assassinating a target who is mingling at a party (undetected no less). I found various ways to approach the target without being seen, however I could not lock-on to them and make the kill. After several frustrating attempts that ended in failure, I learned that I could only assassinate my victim once a cut-scene had been triggered. That's thirty minutes I'm never getting back because the game would only allow me to kill the target when and how it wanted me to.

7.5/10 - Make no mistake, Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood is not an expansion pack. There is easily fifteen hours worth of gameplay available in the single player campaign, and the vast majority of it is thoroughly enjoyable. There are various new additions, some of which I hope make it into the next instalment; others that need to be either refined somewhat, or dropped entirely. Initially, the game felt overly familiar, yet it presented enough new elements mixed with the action I have come to love from the series to warrant further play. The final few sequences presented little enjoyment, but were impressive in terms of scale and ambition. For me, Brotherhood was unrefined ambition from the team at Ubisoft Montreal: almost every idea and mechanic was thrown into the game, with little regard for the core, swashbuckling action typical of the series (that I hold in such high regard). When it works, it's every bit as good as its predecessor. When it falters, it feels as coarse as the first instalment.

Friday, January 14

People’s Choice: Suspiciously Special Spider Monkeys

This week I thought I’d do something different and involve you, the readers. Through Facebook, I asked my list of friends what you wanted to read about. While I was hoping for a gaming related topic, I was actually given... Retarded Spider Monkeys. Seriously, ask Dutch. He’ll tell you.

My first thoughts went to the obvious being monkeys in games – Monkey Island, Donkey Kong, Ape Escape but these are all games I’ve covered in previous posts (except for Ape Escape because I’m not five years old). Plus if I mention Donkey Kong once more I’m going to feel like I’m putting it on a pedestal. I’ll be writing more on DK soon, but not today.

So I Googled monkeys in games and came up with a number of mini games, mainly involving throwing bananas, stacking monkeys or flinging poo. How classy. Oh and then I found the ever so cleverly titled Spank the Monkey. Moving on.

With hope still fresh in my mind that work won’t check the Internet history this week, next came a thought of famous monkeys in movies with a possible cross promotion appearance in some sort of game. Planet of the Apes and King Kong spring to mind but a favourite is definitely the winged monkeys from The Wizard of Oz.

I’ve always like these monkey’s but I’m not sure why. Maybe it was Mr Burn’s failed experiment that elevated their cult status or maybe it’s just because they’re MONKEY’S WITH WINGS. If you mix this concept with the cover art of Green Day’s legendary album Dookie, you’ve got yourself a scary yet entertaining Sunday afternoon.

Then Google picked up the Monkey Magic game. Although not directly related to the 1970’s cult classic, Monkey Magic (on PSX) is a side scrolling platform game based on the late 90’s anime series. Nothing groundbreaking, basically Monkey must learn spells, fight enemies etc and make the world right again.

While blissfully distracted by Green Day’s dulcet tones and the memory of trying to summon a cloud with my finger, I realised that no movie or TV show can be turned into a decent game and this idea was flawed.

Thinking outside the box, what if being a retarded spider monkey was an insult? While I don’t suggest searching the term in Urban Dictionary, it does seem like something I would yell at the TV, especially since my 19 month old daughter is copying many of the words I say now and I’m trying to hold off uttering big boy words. Last week she said ‘tits’ and although I laughed hysterically, I thanked my lucky stars she didn’t say other single syllable words from that conversation...

In fact now that I think about it, I can recall eight different situations in the past week where I’ve called something or someone a combination of the word ‘monkey’ and some profanity.

I can definitely see myself calling one of those useless drone soldiers from COD a retarded spider monkey. You know the one’s I’m talking about. Picture this scenario – you’ve just been ambushed and your team is running around like crazy. You try to settle the situation with your AK-47, taking out the enemy left, right and centre. Then, just towards the end of the scrimmage with a handful of foes remaining, some idiot soldier walks in front of you (or pops up from cover), taking the full brunt of your magazine. Next thing you know I’m screaming at the TV while reading a message about how friendly fire isn’t tolerated.

You know what COD? Friendly fire isn’t tolerated, but if you’re going to stand up in front of me while I’m shooting at the enemy (who knows what your little drone soldier was doing in the bushes ahead of me - he wasn’t helping that’s for sure) then they deserve to take it.

If looks could kill, some games would be finished so quickly.

What are your major gaming frustrations? Do you have a favourite creative insult that doesn’t contain profanity?