People’s Choice: Suspiciously Special Spider Monkeys

This week I thought I’d do something different and involve you, the readers. Through Facebook, I asked my list of friends what you wanted to read about. While I was hoping for a gaming related topic, I was actually given... Retarded Spider Monkeys. Seriously, ask Dutch. He’ll tell you.

My first thoughts went to the obvious being monkeys in games – Monkey Island, Donkey Kong, Ape Escape but these are all games I’ve covered in previous posts (except for Ape Escape because I’m not five years old). Plus if I mention Donkey Kong once more I’m going to feel like I’m putting it on a pedestal. I’ll be writing more on DK soon, but not today.

So I Googled monkeys in games and came up with a number of mini games, mainly involving throwing bananas, stacking monkeys or flinging poo. How classy. Oh and then I found the ever so cleverly titled Spank the Monkey. Moving on.

With hope still fresh in my mind that work won’t check the Internet history this week, next came a thought of famous monkeys in movies with a possible cross promotion appearance in some sort of game. Planet of the Apes and King Kong spring to mind but a favourite is definitely the winged monkeys from The Wizard of Oz.

I’ve always like these monkey’s but I’m not sure why. Maybe it was Mr Burn’s failed experiment that elevated their cult status or maybe it’s just because they’re MONKEY’S WITH WINGS. If you mix this concept with the cover art of Green Day’s legendary album Dookie, you’ve got yourself a scary yet entertaining Sunday afternoon.

Then Google picked up the Monkey Magic game. Although not directly related to the 1970’s cult classic, Monkey Magic (on PSX) is a side scrolling platform game based on the late 90’s anime series. Nothing groundbreaking, basically Monkey must learn spells, fight enemies etc and make the world right again.

While blissfully distracted by Green Day’s dulcet tones and the memory of trying to summon a cloud with my finger, I realised that no movie or TV show can be turned into a decent game and this idea was flawed.

Thinking outside the box, what if being a retarded spider monkey was an insult? While I don’t suggest searching the term in Urban Dictionary, it does seem like something I would yell at the TV, especially since my 19 month old daughter is copying many of the words I say now and I’m trying to hold off uttering big boy words. Last week she said ‘tits’ and although I laughed hysterically, I thanked my lucky stars she didn’t say other single syllable words from that conversation...

In fact now that I think about it, I can recall eight different situations in the past week where I’ve called something or someone a combination of the word ‘monkey’ and some profanity.

I can definitely see myself calling one of those useless drone soldiers from COD a retarded spider monkey. You know the one’s I’m talking about. Picture this scenario – you’ve just been ambushed and your team is running around like crazy. You try to settle the situation with your AK-47, taking out the enemy left, right and centre. Then, just towards the end of the scrimmage with a handful of foes remaining, some idiot soldier walks in front of you (or pops up from cover), taking the full brunt of your magazine. Next thing you know I’m screaming at the TV while reading a message about how friendly fire isn’t tolerated.

You know what COD? Friendly fire isn’t tolerated, but if you’re going to stand up in front of me while I’m shooting at the enemy (who knows what your little drone soldier was doing in the bushes ahead of me - he wasn’t helping that’s for sure) then they deserve to take it.

If looks could kill, some games would be finished so quickly.

What are your major gaming frustrations? Do you have a favourite creative insult that doesn’t contain profanity?