Monday, March 12

Commander Shepard graduates from the Zapp Brannigan School of Romance

I haven't got much to report tonight for three reasons:
  • My fear of spoiling Mass Effect 3 for anyone (FYI - Minor spoilers below)
  • My peripheral addiction to Motorstorm RC
  • The sheer litany of different mechanics in Street Figther X Tekken
One thing I will say about Commander Shepard's final adventure, however, is that I'm finding it very hard to say no to the female crew members. This lack of restraint is causing great distress to the point where I was relieved that one female character is pursuing another member of the Normandy's crew. That's one lady to remove from my black book. All of this outward sexual tension kind of has me feeling like Shepard's been replaced by the infinitely more awkward, but just as confident space-faring captain and ladies' man, Zapp Brannigan of Futurama fame.

The problem stems from always trying to be the good guy, the Paragon. My moral compass is almost exclusively pointed to the North-East, and that just happens to be where most of the flirty or downright commitment-oriented conversation responses are found. Does effectively killing off a romance option make me a Renegade? I wouldn't have thought so, but that "It's not you, it's me" button is always at the bottom of the wheel. Good guys try not to break hearts, but they sure as shit shouldn't play with them.

 BroShep be thinkin' bout bitches

It's hard too, because I liked both of my chosen mates from the previous instalments. Liara: not only because she was gentle and accepting, she also represented all of those exciting frontiers that have historically been associated with space travel.
We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law, however, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?
Captain Zapp Brannigan
Miranda: not only for her admirable dedication to her sister, but also for her... erm, well... how should I put this, her perfectly-rendered posterior (the Australian accent probably helped too). I know that may sound shallow, but love in Mass Effect isn't really that complicated. Shower your desired partner in compliments, complete the odd task for them and then, when the time calls for it, your characters' models slam together with the grace of a couple of rusty trash cans. You don't consider bigger picture items like children, house, career and car becuase there's no guarantee that you'll live to make/buy them together once the mission is completed.
Perhaps, before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me, in case one of us doesn't come back.
Captain Zapp Brannigan
Now I find Shepard falling for another, returning cast member because she has quite literally let her hair down (and she doesn't seem so outwardly xenophobic this time around). For those counting, that's three love interests now, and the crew isn't even fully assembled.
We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised. 
Captain Zapp Brannigan
Even with the galaxy balanced on a knife's edge, Shepard seems to be able to find the time for ladies AND lasers. Even a hardcore monogamist like myself has to admire his ability to prioritise and service all corners of the galaxy. I just wish it was a little more difficult to be a pig. Enough about me though, let's raise our glass to the latest graduate of the Zapp Brannigan School of Romance: Commander Shepard.

Sweet candy... bam.

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