Sunday, December 4

Letter from a concerned resident of the Mushroom Kingdom

Dear Esteemed Members of the Mushroom Court,

Am I the only who's had enough? Our beloved Princess Peach has been kidnapped for what seems like the hundredth time over a two decade period. I'm not usually one to question how our taxes are spent, but maybe we should consider investing in police, armed forces, or - at the very least - a private security detail for Her Royal Highness?

I think there's no arguing that the Treasury's investment in golf courses and world-class kart racing facilities may have brought us increased prosperity (well, it did when the exchange rates were good), but there's an obvious cost to ignoring issues like homeland security.  We all now live with the expectation that our leaders are to be held to ransom at a moment's notice, as well as being fair game for kidnapping and extortion. 

With that being said, how the hell is Bowser not behind bars? Last time I checked, kidnapping was a crime in this kingdom. Well, even so, it's not like we have anyone to enforce the law around here. For a start, most of us are about half the height of your average plumber; and those guys usually aren't tall enough to play on a kids' basketball team. Then there's the fashion: these ridiculous toadstool hats - that have somehow become part of our standard daily dress - don't exactly scream scary. Lastly, there's our work ethic that's holding us back: Instead of banding together to rescue our future queen, we enlist the help of some violent Italian mercenary to get her back.

Don't get me wrong: I know Mario's done a lot for us, but he has so much blood on his hands. This guy is damaged goods, and just how many Koopa Troopas and Goombas have to die before someone calls this genocide? Let's go after the source of the problem here; these guys are just following orders.... badly. I mean, I've heard that Bowser's been genetically modifying these guys with Tanooki DNA, but they're still dropping like flies.

Bowser's methods of torturing the plumber are only becoming more elaborate, too. He's sending the poor guy 3D photographs of our princess in distress. He is one sick freak, and it's no surprise that Mario has taken to skinning Tanookis and eating shrooms in his efforts to get our matriarch back on home soil.

It was always going to end up like this

Feeding this one man army is also costing us a lot of coin. Seriously, we just leave our money lying around so that he can pay to cheat death again. We're also coughing up Star Coins so that no stone is left unturned in the search for Princess Peach. Before long, all that money we've earned through hosting premiere sporting tournaments will be wasted on one man's violent - and perhaps - failed campaign.

"Enough!" I say. Let's scrape some of that coin together and enlist the help of Blackwater, or some other guns-for-hire. They've got experience with motion controls too; so they'll feel right at home on our pristine beaches, floating castles, and haunted houses.

Yours in deepest care and concern,

A worried citizen

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